New Year: Making Change That Lasts — A Therapist’s Guide
As the year comes to a close, many of us reflect on what’s passed and hope the new year brings fresh opportunities. We’re also surrounded by messages about New Year’s resolutions and becoming a “new you”—setting goals, buying new journals, and promising change.
We plan to eat better, manage stress, or attend therapy.
But by February, that excitement often fades. Research shows that about 80% of New Year's resolutions fail by the second month. This does not mean you are weak; it is simply part of human nature.
If you’ve broken a promise to yourself, you’re not alone. Change is possible, but first, understand why it’s so hard.
Below, we’ll look at three common psychological barriers that block change and three clear steps to overcome them.
Why Behavior Change Feels So Hard
New Year’s resolutions can make us feel guilty when we don’t follow through. But the struggle is often about more than willpower. Our brains and emotions are naturally set up to resist change.
1. Emotional Avoidance Keeps Us Stuck
Many of us want to create positive change in our lives. Yet the idea of making the change can feel overwhelming, impossible, or too difficult. If our goal triggers anxiety, sadness, or pain, we may avoid it without realizing it, even when it is something we want to do.
For example, someone may want better boundaries with a parent. If setting a boundary recalls past rejection, they might quit before trying. Their brain links change to pain.
In therapy, we often see that emotional avoidance creates barriers. It stops people from facing the feelings they need to heal. One study in Behavior Therapy found that people who avoided emotions had more anxiety and depression. Avoidance may help for a moment, but it causes more distress over time.
When we numb feelings, growth and healing slow. Resolutions often fail not from lack of motivation, but because change involves facing long-avoided feelings.
2. Unrealistic Expectations Create Shame and Stress
Another barrier to change is setting goals that are too big or unclear. For example: “I’ll get healthy.” “I’ll stop feeling anxious.”
These goals sound good, but they don’t have a clear plan. Without direction, people feel lost, and motivation fades.
A 2020 study in PLOS ONE found that people who set “approach goals” (such as “I’ll walk outside for 15 minutes daily”) were 25% more likely to stick with them than those who made avoidance goals (“I won’t be lazy”).
Unrealistic expectations, such as opening to make a change as quickly as possible, can also hurt mental health. When things get tough, when we slip up, shame can take over. That shame might sound like: “I’ll never change,” or “Something’s wrong with me.”
In therapy, we break big goals into small, gentle steps. We celebrate effort instead of perfection. Growth can feel slow, but small actions lead to lasting success.
3. Old Patterns Protect Us, Even When They Hurt
Our habits develop for a reason. These habits are often ways we learned to cope in the past. At one time they worked, and now they don’t. This is why stopping them can make us feel afraid.
For people who have experienced trauma, these habits can feel like protection. Overworking, people-pleasing, or shutting down emotionally may have helped them feel safe before. But as life changes, these old patterns can start to cause stress, anxiety, and burnout.
The nervous system doesn’t always realize the threat is gone. It stays on alert and fills the body with stress hormones. This can make new, healthy behaviors feel unsafe and, therefore, something to stay away from to keep us safe.
Understanding this can help you feel more compassion for yourself. Remember, you are not broken. Avoidance is a response to fear. The key is to learn how to work with your nervous system, not against it.
Three Keys to Real, Lasting Change
How do we make change? We use compassion, structure, and support.
1. Start Small and Focus on One Change
Instead of trying to fix everything all at once, choose one thing at a time. Begin where you feel some energy or interest, not where you feel forced.
Not sure where to start? If you are thinking about reducing stress, maybe the first step is journaling for 5 minutes at night. Do you want to start moving more? Start with a 10-minute walk in the morning. Or maybe you want to connect more with others in 2026, try reaching out to a friend instead of scrolling on your phone.
Change works best when it fits into your real life. Taking one step at a time will get you where you want to go. Slow and steady wins the race.
Start with what’s manageable, not perfect. Ask yourself, “What’s so easy I can’t say no?” Small goals build momentum.
Behavioral research supports this idea. A study in The British Journal of Health Psychology found that people who added small habits to their routines, like flossing after brushing, were more consistent over time. Consistency matters more than intensity.
Small changes add up to bigger ones over time. This helps prevent the mind from falling into “all or nothing” thinking, which is common with anxiety and depression.
2. Build Emotional Awareness Instead of Avoiding Feelings
When we ignore our emotions, they often surface through stress, tension, or burnout.
Instead of avoiding your feelings, try naming them. You could say, “I feel nervous about change,” or “I’m sad this old version of me has to go.”
Naming feelings creates space to let them go and signals safety to your body.
Therapy helps. Skills like grounding and mindfulness keep emotions in check. Simple breathing calms the nervous system.
Research from Harvard Health shows that naming emotions activates the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that helps us manage and plan our actions. This means that simply being aware of your feelings can start to reduce stress.
You can try this quick practice:
Pause and breathe slowly for 3 seconds.
Ask: “What am I feeling right now?”
Name the feeling without judgment.
Remind yourself: “This feeling will pass.”
This practice helps you stay present and connected. It is important for managing anxiety and depression as you build new habits.
3. Seek Support and Accountability
Change happens best when we feel connected to others. When we try to do everything alone, shame can grow in silence.
That’s why therapy is such an effective tool for lasting behavior change. A trained therapist helps you uncover the deeper reasons behind stuck patterns. Together, you explore what your behavior protects and how to gently let it shift.
Support also reduces the weight of self-blame. Talking through stress or family conflict helps you release emotional burdens. Sharing goals with others, whether in therapy or a support group, dramatically increases follow-through rates.
According to a 2021 report from the American Psychological Association, people who had regular accountability—such as check-ins with therapists or friends—had 42% higher success rates in achieving goals.
Connection helps your nervous system find balance and rebuilds self-trust. Healing is not something you have to do alone. Support equals success.
Making Change Feel Safe
Self-discipline and self-criticism do not lead to lasting change and often backfire by increasing stress, shame, and burnout. Attempts to change driven by pressure-based “have to” and “should” thinking result in feelings of overwhelm and abandonment of goals. On the other hand, self-compassion and flexibility are strongly linked to sustainable behavior change. Responding to setbacks with understanding and acceptance rather than punishment supports resilience, nervous system regulation, and a greater ability to re-engage with goals—key ingredients for meaningful, lasting change.
When you create a sense of safety for yourself, your body can relax. Creating a feeling of safety tells your nervous system, “I’m ok now.”
How to create a sense of safety:
Spend time in relaxing environments: outside in nature, with family and friends, engaged in creative activities.
Nourish your body with food, sleep, and hydration.
Move in energizing ways- walk, stretch, go to the gym.
Say no to activities or requests that will deplete your energy.
Remember, you cannot regulate emotions or responses unless you feel safe. As safety and connection grow, behavior changes naturally.
Healing Old Patterns with Compassion
If your resolutions make you feel frustrated, it might not be about the goal itself. It might be about what is getting in the way of change.
Be curious about what is coming up.
Ask yourself:
What am I avoiding feeling?
What fear might come up when I try to change?
What small act of care would help me move closer to calm?
Small, steady acts of care tell your nervous system that you are safe.
Every small step forward leads towards your goal. Walking for 10 minutes a day offers mental and physical benefits. Scheduling your first therapy session can set in motion a powerful ripple of change. Reaching out to a friend instead of scrolling social media boosts mood and creates a connection.
When You Feel Stuck
Do you think that change is impossible? Change is possible, and you may need additional support. Trauma, anxiety, depression, and chronic stress can drain your motivation. Negative beliefs about yourself can make even small steps feel hard.
Therapy can help you understand these patterns and learn tools for emotional regulation to manage stress and reconnect with your goals.
Often, what holds you back isn’t laziness, but pain. Sometimes healing means slowing down and listening to what hurts before change comes.
With support, small efforts add up over time. You may feel more peace, more self-trust, and less pressure to be perfect.
A Final Note for This New Year
Changing your behavior isn’t about becoming someone better. It’s about supporting who you already are and making choices that match your values and help you feel more grounded and connected.
If you set a New Year’s goal, let it be an act of care. Focusing on growing with intention, not pressure or self-criticism.
Move at a pace that feels right for you, stay curious about what matters, and ask for support when you need it. Growth can be gentle, and you deserve care along the way.
